Parenting

Breakaway

One evening after dinner, one of my twins turned on the docking station in the kitchen and madly pushed buttons on my iPod. She landed on a song that made me stop in my tracks.

“Isabelle! It’s our song!”

“I know Mom”, not looking up from her book as she sat on the couch.

“But, it’s our song! Remember?”

“Yes Mom, you’ve told me a million times”, Isabelle mumbled, still fixated on the pages in front of her.

My excitement came to a halt and I studied my just-turned 10 year old.

I closed my eyes and was brought back 10 years and to a previous house. It feels like a thousand years ago, yet just yesterday at the same time.

I started swaying back and forth to the song, eyes still closed, and let the memories take me back.

new-mom-breakaway-parenting-life-mychaos

A new Mom, tired and zombie-like, trying to soothe her baby girl. The memory isn’t of a particular night, since each was the same. 2am. 3am. 4am. 5am – it didn’t matter except for the fact that this mom felt like she was the only one in the world that was being kept from slumber.

She stared out the window at the blackness of night, and felt so alone. So alone and so tired.

The new Mom tried to soothe her newborn with music, turning on the top 10 hits on the radio. Or was it the music channel on TV? So much is a blur, but there’s one definite.

The song.

 

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson was at the top of the charts during this point in time, and a song that kept the new Mom {and her baby} company through the night, for possibly months.

Memories of that time are still so vivid – In PJ’s, swaying back and forth, singing and dancing softly with a warm bundle in arms. Yawning, sobbing, and wishing for sleep again. Unequivocally haunted by the past, feeling intense fear of the future, and this new life that kept her up at insane hours. Or perhaps it was just the exhaustion that brought on the fear, was it even there at all? Her mind was obviously a mess.

The only known was that it was just her and a newborn, and their song. 

Back to the now, I open my eyes mid-way through Breakaway and tears spill fiercely down my cheeks. Listening to it now, this song was so applicable to that moment in time. Growing up, pushing forward, and finding strength when it seems like there’s none.

Breakaway got me through so many nights with a newborn and to this day hearing it, instantly brings me back no matter where or when it’s played. Back to a time when a new Mom and her baby danced together in the middle of the night – just trying to get through it all. 

I wipe away the tears and smile, knowing that we made it through that difficult and chaotic time. 10 years! It’s almost unreal to think of the time that has passed and the life that surrounds us now.

I ask my Isabelle to dance, yet am met with a sassy 10 year old eye-roll and a shake of the head as she turns the page in her book.

Our song ends and after only a short pause, a new one begins. My heart. 

 

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51 Comments

  1. What a beautiful, touching post! I can totally relate to sleepless nights with a newborn and great music to help get through it, and I am a huge Kelly Clarkson fan myself 🙂 I got lost in your Instagram account looking at all those wonderful pictures of the most beautiful girls and Momma in the world! You have an amazing family, your oldest is such a spitting image of you (GORGEOUS!!!) and I love the bond your sweet twins have…they make me want more babies so much now..especially a little girl..so much so..my husband just got a text about it lol 😉 Merry Christmas!

  2. Music can really bring to life memories, I’m sure your little girl will appreciate those you share of this song when she is older and has her own children. What a beautiful recollection!

  3. It’s amazing how a song can do that – completely bring us back to a certain memory or time in our lives.

  4. What a beautiful memory, and so sweetly told. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. ♥ Kelly’s music is very familiar to me, and brings back many memories, mostly bad ones, sadly. But this one…this one is perfect, because I heard it the year I broke free of some very destructive relationships in my life, and began to taste freedom for the first time.

  5. The great thing about a song is how it brings memories straight to the front of your mind. Music is such a great medium.

  6. I wish there was a like button, because I like this post so much! 🙂 I’m reminded of my mother and it made me smile.

  7. My babies are the four legged variety, so I’ll never have to deal with them pulling away from me as they age. I’m really grateful for that.

  8. Awe… a song definitely brings back memories and can take you to new ones. The Summer of 69 takes me back to going driving with my big brother. We put the top down and put the heat on high and just had a blast… Those memories are the ones we never forget.

  9. My kids are still young, but I’m already dreading the day that they start becoming young adults and don’w want to goof around with me as much. I don’t want it to happen!

  10. As a performer, I have always felt an innate connection to music. It has been nourishment for my soul.

  11. I love kelly clarkson so much! Her songs will definitely bring back memories of the past.

  12. Music can trigger a lot of memories, some good, some bad. Hope all your musical memories are good!

  13. Music has been one constant with my oldest son. His mom and I divorced when he was young, but he inherited my taste in music so even now, as he is thousands of miles away in the military, we still talk about music, books and video games.

  14. Such a beautiful and heart felt post. We all feel alone on those sleepless nights but somehow we make it through and then we blink and our kids are years older.

  15. I have so many cherished memories that get triggered whenever I listen to that song! Oh the memories! And I can’t believe it’s been 10 years since then! Wow, time sure flies.

  16. Love how songs can bring you back! Kelly Clarkson is a wonderful vocalist and a very sweet person! Thanks for sharing!

  17. I love that you and your baby have a song. I have songs that give me lots of memories but none of them are as cool as Kelly Clarkson songs.

  18. I love when a song triggers a great memory. This is a great song i like to sing it when i am in the car.

  19. Music is so moving and it is amazing how it can bring back so many memories. Especially the older songs…Music does make you feel like time stands still.

  20. Music can be very powerful at evoking emotions and jogging our memories. I know that the boys all went through stages where only certain songs would soothe them.

  21. Music brings back such great memories. It takes to you to the places in time you remember, always a great memory enhancer.

  22. I was just a few years behind you in the “fun” of sleepless nights. They are so worth it, though.

  23. It is sad that they grow up so quickly but before you know it you will have Grandchildren and you start all over again, but this time without the sleepless nights!

  24. a truly touching post Music plays a wonderful role in our life Thanks for sharing

  25. It’s amazing what one song can do. I love Kelly Clarkson, her songs are so powerful and brings back wonderful memories.

  26. I love when there are songs that are just so special. Lately, I have been loving Beth Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings and Bob Seger’s Little Drummer Boy since my dad loved those songs.

  27. that was so nice to read 🙂 I’ve also heard that not only music can do this but smells too.

  28. Amazing the memories that music can bring back. It will always be your song with Isabelle and no doubt as she gets older it will have more meaning to her 🙂

  29. What a beautiful memory.
    Even though you got the eye roll now, when she is an adult she will love the story and the song that goes with it.

  30. It is amazing how time stands still for a time when a certain song is played, especially if you are not expecting to hear it. Certain songs, not so many played now, reminds me of a summer job in a restaurant and the jukebox was playing. Those songs bring back so many memories of that long-ago summer.
    Your post was beautifully written.

  31. It is amazing how time stands still for a time when a certain song is played, especially if you are not expecting to hear it. Certain songs, not so many played now, reminds me of a summer job in a restaurant and the jukebox was playing. Those songs bring back so many memories of that long-ago summer.
    Your post was beautifully written.

  32. Beautiful post. I too have songs that will bring me right back to a moment in time, a long time ago.

  33. Made my eyes tear up a little!. My daughters are 4 and almost 6…we just moved and have been unpacking boxes, I went through all the baby clothes, baby shoes, and it made me realize how far we’ve come, from diapers to Kindergarten drama! I cherish those memories.

  34. You make beautiful babies. When I was much younger and pushing my son in his stroller, I was stopped by this wonderful, elderly Italian lady. In Very hard to understand, broken english, she told me that I made beautiful babies and that is what I should be doing with my life. Of course, that was not even an option for me, but I gess in her time, back in her homeland, that’s what a lot of woman did. Bless her. I took it as such a complement and when I looked at you and your child in the above picture, that conversation I had with her can right back to mind. You do make beautiful babies.

  35. You made me cry. I remember that feeling so well. Dancing, swaying, staggering. My son and I had a song too. 15 Years now and it feels like yesterday.

  36. It is crazy to think we all make it through those early years with our little ones keeping us up all night. What a beautiful song and beautiful memories. They grow up so quickly, my oldest just turned 18 and it is so hard knowing our time with him living with us is so short – I hope he goes for his doctorate locally so he stays a lot longer!

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